Do you have a Pandemic plan? Have you or the company you work for seriously thought about what would happen if swine flu actually turned out to be as bad as the desperate hacks around the world have made it out to be?

With the latest reports suggesting that up to a third of the worlds population could become infected with the deadly virus - it’s not too late for companies to start planning.

The global financial crisis has had a severe impact on millions of people worldwide. Put your doom and gloom hat on for just a second and imagine what life would be like if we got hit with a swine flu pandemic as well. Millions of people affected, schools and businesses closed down - the world economy, already on it’s knees would be handed another nail to hammer into its rapidly closing coffin.

I once worked at a company in a land far far away that actually had a pandemic plan. All employees had remote access over a secure internet connection, were able to work from home if and when required. It was a forward thinking policy in a forward thinking country (we didn’t have to wear ties either but that’s another story).

Working from home is great. You can go to work in your pyjamas, take a nap at lunch time and even catch up on those odd jobs that you’ve been meaning to get done for ages.

Company bosses in the UAE seem to get nervous when people start talking about ‘working from home’ but I don’t understand why.

People are paid to deliver. You don’t deliver you put yourself in the firing line. Why put anything in jeopardy if you are lucky enough to have a job. You are a salesman - you have to sell. A project manager - your projects need to be delivered. The numbers will speak for themselves. It’s all a matter of trust.

There is a downside to working from home of course. It’s easy to work longer hours without realizing it, no idle chit chat by the water cooler, no office banter.

People who have difficulty switching off outside of business hours will find the lure of the laptop difficult to resist. But if going in to the office is a risk to your health, then this is small price to pay.

There has been a scandal brewing in the UK these last few weeks, after it emerged that some British MPs had been using their generous expense accounts to claim for a host of personal extravagances. The most eye-catching claims include ones for clearing a moat, maintaining swimming pools, a $2,600 ‘duck island’, and a claim to fit mock Tudor beams to the front of a house.
Taxpayers are furious, arguing quite rightly that they should not be funding MPs’ personal spending sprees. The claims ranged from the downright dishonest (two MPs continued to claim for mortgage interest payments, after the mortgages had been paid off) to the ridiculously petty (a trouser press, a bath plug and some Hob Nob biscuits have been charged to the public purse).
In the Gulf we don’t pay taxes, and what a relief. Imagine if we suddenly found that we were subsidising the lifestyles of a privileged few? Paying through the nose so that they could tend their gardens and decorate lavish second homes?

I have just received a credit card statement from Emirates Islamic Bank and very surprised to find a membership fee charge of Dhs 500. When I just enquired with the customer service, I was advised that this was because I had not used my credit card in the previous billing cycle. Hence, I must ensure every month I make a minimum purchases on my card of AED 100 and then pay it off without leaving any balance. In short, I will have to pay the fee if I don’t use the card or if I leave any balance before the due date.

I quite understand the reason to pay if I had left any balance although the charge is ridiculously expensive compared to normal credit cards’ interest fee. But can anyone make any sense to me why I have to pay Dhs 500 for not using their service (credit card)? How Islamic is it? I am a Muslim and I know my religion very well. Islam does not constitute to charge customers for not using their service. So, on what basis does a bank that claims itself an Islamic bank charge me?

Let us see another scenario. If you leave the town on June 15th for one month holiday and decide not to use your credit card, that would mean you are forced to pay Dhs 500. In other words, the bank is penalising me for not using their service.

This whole Islamic banking deal is completely fabricated and is ripping off customers. And I am very sorry to say, these policies set by certain Islamic banks such as Emirates Islamic Bank are only insulting Islam.

I have a credit card from Citibank as well and have never had to call customer service because I have just never had any issues. Recently, I missed my Citibank payment by two days and was charged late payment fee. But that fee was waived off on the very next bill without even requesting. Now that is what I call true banking. With Citibank, even if I just make a minimum fee, I would never have had to pay Dhs 500 as an interest.

Time to spread the word… after all Islamic Banking is not Islamic. You are better off to do with normal banks that understands customers. And profit rate is just another word for interest. In the end, you do not have any benefit but you pay ridiculously more. So why then bank Islamic?

A friend went for laser eye surgery last week. She tried to tell me about it but I’m not very good with that sort of thing. She was peppering her explanation with words like ‘scalpel’ and ‘clamp’ – words which did not sit comfortably with me in a conversation about eyes. When she mentioned that this ‘procedure’ – her word, not mine – took place in Bali I lightened up. Then she told me that 3,000 people were watching and, naturally, I fainted.

So, as you might have gathered, I am a little sketchy on the details. But the bottom line is whether or not this ordeal – my word, not hers – was worth it; has her eye-sight improved? Technically the answer is yes. She speaks enthusiastically about waking up in the morning and being able to see clearly. So now she says that she can see clearly, but in practice, does she?

Technical ability is only a constituent part of the art of actually being able to see. I have noticed that Sheikh Mohammed is often photographed wearing glasses. Now there is a job that takes courage – everybody that I know, and everything that I hear, points to the fact that Sheikh Mohammed has great vision – indeed ‘vision’ is a word that has become synonymous with Our Leader – yet his optician must stand alone and say no, I’m afraid that your vision, Your Highness, is slightly impaired…try these on.

20:20 vision, visually-impaired, short-sighted, long-sighted, whether you wear glasses or contact lenses…in the grand scheme of things it shouldn’t really matter. We are who we are. It is not whether or not you can see perfectly or not that defines you, it is knowing how to see that matters. And most people don’t. They have the gift of sight but they do not use it.

There is a philosophy that people often listen but they do not hear; they look but they do not see. People become lazy. We all do from time to time. Instead of thinking for ourselves we fall into the trap of believing the propaganda, listening to the spin. Society has slipped into a dangerous habit of being unduly influenced by the media. We all need to retrain ourselves to be mentally less lazy, to think for ourselves, not to believe everything that we hear. Seeing is believing.

I keep hearing that Dubai is quiet, that the recession is biting, that profits are down and that we are all doomed. Yet whenever I go out of my house I get stuck in traffic, have to queue at the supermarket, get the last available seat at the cinema or, most recently, have to fight my way through the crowds that are – according to press reports – apparently not in Dubai Mall.

Have you been to Dubai Mall recently? You should. I went on Friday. It was insane; a veritable entertainment bonanza. There was a circus atmosphere. It is the biggest shopping mall in the world apparently…and it was busy. Very busy. That alone tells us something.

During the course of my three hour visit I saw – with my very own eyes – clowns jigging around playing music, people dressed in outrageously flamboyant and colorful outfits dancing through the mall, hundreds of balloons, talented live musicians – proper violin and oboe stuff – not your Covent Garden one-man-band malarkey, some sort of street / break-dance performance, a fashion show which took place on a catwalk that popped out of the ground and, of course, thousands of happy smiling faces.

Then I am supposed to go out at night and listen to people regurgitating rumours, myths and hearsay about how quiet Dubai is. Do me a favour G’vnor…open your eyes.

The most popular sport in the world – apart from fishing, strangely – is football.

Fishing is more popular than football. I find that very hard to believe, don’t you? Where I’m from fishing is a hobby that seems to take place almost exclusively in the rain and mainly by men wearing big green wellies, ridiculous headgear and some form of lazy facial hair. Why would anyone want to get involved in that? It’s not a sport, it’s a cult.

The definition of ‘sport’ no doubt varies from dictionary to dictionary but surely we, in the real world, can agree that in order to be called a proper sport some form of physical exertion actually has to take place. I remain unconvinced that pottering off down to the nearest riverbank, with a tub of maggots in one hand and a flask of tea in the other, and sitting there all day getting wet, constitutes any sort of active pastime. An endurance test perhaps, but sport, no.

Admittedly the picture that I have just painted contrasts somewhat with the fishing experience here in Dubai. But don’t try and tell me that paddling off into the azure waters of the Arabian Gulf and catching some rays on the back of a boat, with your rod dangling into the water, is anything more than a nice day out.

I accept that there are competitive fishermen out there, and very skillful they are too. But not the masses that the statisticians would have us believe make fishing more popular than football. You can’t class what those amateurs, who catch nothing but hypothermia or sun stroke, do as being sport.

The number of actual bona fide fishermen is tiny compared with those who have the football bug. Just think how many people have ever kicked a football in their lives. Pretty much everyone. All you need for a game of football is a round object for a ball and two markers for goalposts. The whole world, from the very poor to the very rich can play – it’s all inclusive – think of it as the Friday brunch of the sport world.

Then you go from thinking about how many people play football to how many people watch it and the numbers swell to infinity and beyond. Have you ever tried to watch someone fishing? No. Exactly.

Apart from the World Cup, which only comes around every four years, the most watched football comes from the English Premier League and the European Champions League. The quality is high, the drama intense. Here in the UAE we are spoilt. The television coverage is superb. We, the avid viewers, invite Rob McCaffrey and Joe Morrison into our homes for the respective competitions, to guide us calmly through the excitement of all the games. ALL the games. No wonder the roads in Dubai have seemed quieter since New Year – as we have entered the business end of the season everyone has gone inside to watch the footy.

In about a week’s time it will all be over for this season. It’s been a rollercoaster and we all need a rest. Girlfriends and wives can look forward to the best part of 3 months without football invading their lives. But they should make the most of it – the last few weeks of the season have gone a long way to whetting the appetite for what looks set to be the most competitive season of all next year, and it is to be followed hot-on-the-heels by the greatest event of them all – the World Cup – in the summer of 2010, if the South African hosts can get their act together, that is.

Us blokes are now staring down the barrel of 3 months-worth of Saturday afternoon thumb-twiddling. What do you reckon fellas…the Lions rugby, the Ashes cricket, the Open golf…yes, I think we’ll be fine. Of course we could join the rest of the world and go fishing.