When President Macron was first presented with the idea of moving the entire Olympics opening ceremony outside the stadium into the city, he described the idea as “crazy.” He was absolutely right. Three days on from the opening of Paris 2024, I am still perplexed at the largely polite “mixed” reactions to the lavish $150 million opening ceremony.
Can’t we just be honest about this – Paris 2024 was the most appalling, dreadful, and shockingly dull opening ceremony the Olympics has ever seen. Trash from start to finish; if there was a gold medal for the “worst ever,” France is the winner.
Fundamentally, as someone who sat through the near four-hour snooze fest, the biggest problem was (and maybe this is just me), I didn’t understand any of it. I just didn’t get it. Possibly it’s because I am not a scholar when it comes to French heritage and history, but I doubt most of the one billion viewers were.
What was the point of the faceless Olympic flame bearer – apparently a reference to some video game called “Assassin’s Creed”? I didn’t get it. Who on earth was that ridiculous man who appeared naked and painted blue? I am informed this was a reference to “Dionysus,” the Greek God of winemaking. But he looked like a Smurf.
What was happening with that silver mechanical horse powering down the river Seine? I presume some kind of AI reference? It made zero sense. I just didn’t get it. And as for the recreation of the “Last Supper,” enough said.
The real misery for Olympic fans like me was the lack of true French sporting legends. One of the few good bits was the appearance of Zinedine Zidane towards the end with the flame – this was all set up for him to pass it on to another French legend.
Instead, we had Senor Rafael Nadal, flown in on a private jet from Barcelona. Nadal then hopped on a boat with other non-French legends; Carl Lewis, Serena Williams, and a Romanian gymnast nobody has ever heard of. The sight of the four of them, fitted with life jackets and desperately clinging to the flame while standing on a rocking boat, is one of the most undignified moments in Olympic history. How could they do this to Lewis – who is arguably the greatest athlete the world ever saw, now remembered as a 61-year-old dithering fool in a life jacket? Unforgivable.
Given France has a decent haul of 31 golds from the last three Olympics, you would think somebody French could have been on the boat. That said, there were many “boat” moments. To be precise, 85 boats with 6,800 athletes paraded down the river. I say “boat” loosely. Team USA, with 593 athletes, had what looked like Elon Musk’s yacht. I felt sorry for the two athletes from the Solomon Islands, who appeared to have paid someone two Euros for a ride on a dinghy. So much for the Olympics being all about equality.
The grand finale of the event saw the Olympic torch being lit below a hot air balloon, which then rose majestically over the Paris night sky. But here’s the thing that has been bugging me all weekend – where did it go? We saw it rise to the sky, then nothing. Quite possibly right now, some poor guy in Marseille is wondering why he has a hot air balloon and Olympic torch in his back garden.
I was going to say at least now the games have started, things can only get better. I am not so sure. Despite splurging nearly $10 billion, Paris has not built a massive new Olympic stadium. The general concept is to use existing facilities – apart from a new swimming arena, a climbing wall venue, and a gymnastics and badminton arena. Not sure what the 10,000 athletes competing in 329 medal events will make of all this.
But the worst could yet be to come. The closing ceremony on August 11 is thankfully inside the stadium. However, in a sneak preview on their website, the organisers reveal: “Like an indelible memory, this Olympic closing ceremony will be marked by audacity, fraternity, and emotion.”
Oh no. Please no.
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