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Thu 21 Jan 2010 03:58 PM

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Funny business 1

Funny business 1
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Bedtime banter\n

A British man has become an internet sensation after his wife, exasperated with his sleep-talking, hit on the idea to post his nocturnal natterings online.\n

Karen Slavick-Lennard’s blog, The Sleep Talkin’ Man, has received more than 1m hits from 50 countries, and the couple are now producing T-shirts and bags featuring Adam’s rantings.\n

Sayings from the 36-year-old advertising executive include:\n

‘Where do you think you're going, hmmm? I knew it. The cupboard. You and your cupboard.’\n

‘Stop stomping on the floor! You are walking hard on the floor to prove you are an alien but you are not!.... Mandals...’\n

‘I can’t control the kittens. Too many whiskers.’ \n

‘I haven’t put on weight. Your eyes are fat.’\n

‘Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun.’\n

‘I've got a badger, a dog, a cat and a sack.’\n

‘This fish has got big floppy lips. Floppy lips. Fishy kissy, fishy kissy.’\n

‘Look out! Marshmallows.’ (ITP Images)
Funny business 1
Did the earth move for you?\n

Some 20 slimmers’ self-esteem plummeted - along with the floor - at a Weight Watchers meeting in Växjö, southern Sweden. \n

The dieters’ were lining up to compare how much weight they had lost over Christmas, when they heard a loud crash and the floor came away from the walls of their meeting room. \n

‘We suddenly heard a huge thud; we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls,’ one of the members told a local paper. \n

The fled the room as the floor began to cave in other areas. The scales, however, were not damaged and the weigh-in continued in a nearby corridor.(Getty Images)
Funny business 1
Think before you Tweet\n

When heavy snowfall at a British airport threatened to scupper Paul Chambers's travel plans, he decided to vent his frustrations to his friends on Twitter. ‘Robin Hood airport is closed,’ he wrote. ‘You've got a week and a bit to get your sxxx together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!!’ \n

Sadly for Mr Chambers, the policed didn’t see the funny side. A week after posting the message, he was arrested under the Terrorism Act and questioned for almost seven hours by detectives. After he was released on bail, the 26-year-old was suspended from work pending an internal investigation, and has, he says, been banned from the Doncaster airport for life. \n

‘I would never have thought, in a thousand years, that any of this would have happened because of a Twitter post,’ Chambers told the Daily Mail. ‘I'm the most mild-mannered guy you could imagine.’\n

(Bloomberg Images)
Funny business 1
Love hurts\n

A Saudi man has castrated himself after his father refused to give him permission to marry, it was reported last week. \n

The victim, in his 30s, was rushed to a nearby hospital where doctors attempted to reattach his severed member, Al Watan reported.\n

According to the report, the father had stipulated his son needed to get a job before he would allow him to marry.\n

In June last year, a 25-year-old Egyptian man from a prominent family castrated himself with a knife when his father refused to allow him to marry a girl from a lower class family.\n

(Getty Images)\n

Funny business 1
Naming rights\n

Canada's second-oldest magazine, The Beaver, is changing its name because its unintended sexual connotation has meant the history journal is turning off potential readers.\n

When The Beaver started publication in 1920, the name evoked only Canada's thriving fur industry. Ninety years later, the fur trade has diminished and the magazine's name is now a double-entendre \n

‘Market research showed us that younger Canadians and women were very very unlikely to ever buy a magazine called The Beaver no matter what it's about,’ said editor-in-chief Mark Reid. ‘For whatever reasons, they are turned off by the name.’\n

(Canada's History website)
Funny business 1
Cold calling \n

Interesting report from telecoms giant BT this week, which outlined - in no uncertain terms – what conference callers are actually doing while mumbling their way through the latest quarterly results. \n

According to BT Conferencing, 68% of ‘us’ dial into a conference call wearing just pyjamas, while ‘almost half of us are wearing only our undies, and 20 percent just didn’t bother with clothes at all’.\n

While you digest that horrific statistic, consider also that BT Conferencing’s findings indicate that the bed is the most popular place from which to call into a conference, with ‘our toilet or someone else’s’ coming in second. (Getty Images)\n

Funny business 1
A divorce? Let’s celebrate!\n

Facing divorce? Not sure how to split your assets? Good news – British department store Debenhams can help. The chain has launched a divorce gift list service, where the newly-single can specify which household items they need for their new life. \n

The store, which has outlets across the Middle East, will also be offering divorcees a two-hour chat with a Debenhams ‘advisor’ to ensure their gift list covers all the essentials, such as towels, crockery and bed linen. \n

A spokesperson for Debenhams said there were currently no plans to offer the gift list in Middle Eastern stores. (Getty Images)
Funny business 1
More money than sense\n

The earring that was confiscated from Diego Maradona as part payment of his tax arrears in Italy has been sold to an anonymous woman at auction for $36,000, a spokesman for the agency organising the sale said Thursday.\n

The piece of jewellery was taken by police while Maradona was in Italy at a weight-loss clinic in September.\n

The Argentina coach owes the Italian inland revenue more than 30 million euros stemming from unpaid taxes when he played for Napoli. (Getty Images)
Funny business 1
With friends like these…\n

Perhaps the most macabre press article we’ve seen in the local press surfaced last week. As a result of a report about the rising numbers of suicides in the UAE, the Gulf News daily provided handy tips, along with some pictures, of the most common methods of suicide. \n

Hanging’ is described as ‘using a rope, wire, belt, or piece of cloth which is attached to a high level,’ a method commonly used by labourers, we are told. Another method involves ‘taking high doses of pills, drinking a detergent, pesticides, detergents, or poisonous substance.’ \n

All helpfully illustrated with pictures of a noose, razor blades, and a bottle of flammable liquid.\n

There’s bad taste, and then there’s bad taste...\n

(Stop Youth Suicide website)
Funny business 1
The great escape\n

Montenegro's only hippopotamus escaped from the mountainous Adriatic nation's zoo during floods, officials have revealed. \n

The two-ton female called Nikica broke out of her cage and swam away after seasonal floods hit the zoo just outside the Montenegrin capital Podgorica, zoo manager Davor Mujovic said.\n

‘She remains at large, but one of the guards is keeping an eye on her and is feeding her daily,’ he said. ‘People like her, and she is used to people, villagers are bringing her fresh hay,’ he said.\n

(Getty Images)