Stop being reactive at work: Learning to consciously respond

These knee-jerk reactions, typically immediate and unconscious, might only persist for a few minutes, but they often culminate in larger, more complicated issues. Such moments usually leave us burdened with guilt and shame because our actions aren’t aligned with our aspirational selves, and this loss of control can be tough to endure. Such a reaction is costly to leaders in the workplace and can lead to disharmony, conflict, and reputational damage.

Yet we tend to repeat the same behaviours over and over again, as if we were programmed to do so: Something happens, we feel a certain way, and we do that kind of thing. Over and over again.

Fortunately, there is a way out of this pattern of reaction. We can, in fact, create new pathways in our minds and learn to respond consciously. This awareness offers choices, a sense of self-control, and more fruitful communication. For people leaders and managers, this means good working relationships and a model of composure for the entire team and organisation.

As for developing your responsiveness:

• Learn to recognise your triggers: A trigger is an emotional response often linked to past experiences or traumas. These situations may now be in the past, but you may find that certain people or situations somehow take you back there and cause you to react passively aggressively or destructively.
  
  For example, you may have been criticised as a child and now become defensive when someone gives you feedback. Or you may have been rejected in the past and now feel very hurt when your colleagues go out without you.
  
  Write down situations in which you were reactive and try to identify a pattern and possible causes for this behaviour by asking yourself the following questions: Have you had this feeling before? Since when? Does this person remind you of someone you have known before? Did the words used leave a special impression?

• Listen to your body and pause: Your body usually gives you some clues that you are about to be activated and also once you are triggered. You may feel your heart racing, your cheeks turning red, tears coming, a knot in your stomach, etc.
  
  These are your clues and this is the time to pause. You may need to step back from the situation or put your phone away, for example. Time and space are great companions when we need to self-soothe and self-regulate.

• Practice deep belly breathing: Breathing is always available to us and has been shown to be an effective way to bring yourself to calm and centre quickly. Place your hand on your belly.
  
  Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and exhale deeply through your mouth for 8 seconds or until there is no more air in your belly. Repeat until you feel calmer. You can also repeat a mantra of “I am safe” or “All is ok” until your nervous system is no longer in fight/flight and has returned back to calm.

• Approach the situation with curiosity: Once you’re in a calmer state, attempt to view the situation with an open mind. Separate your initial assumptions and create a mental distance between you and the narrative you’ve formed about the situation or individuals involved.
  
  Can you reinterpret the situation? Is your colleague truly against you, or are they merely executing their role in their unique way? Is your partner truly disrespectful for not doing the dishes, or are they just stressed and forgetful lately? Recognise that your interpretation of a situation is just one perspective.
  
  Once you appreciate that your narrative is both subjective and incomplete, you can strive to form a more balanced, objective viewpoint, allowing you to respond more constructively.

Lastly, extend patience and compassion towards yourself when you act impulsively. These behaviours often stem from deeper, unseen wounds that require empathy. Shifting from unconscious impulsive reactions to conscious responsive actions is a journey that necessitates deliberate practice and intent.