Why does that colleague irritate you beyond belief? Why in that pitch to that client do you seize up? When answering these kinds of questions, we often remain at the surface level in our responses: “because he is really rude”; “because that client is super intense and demanding”. And those responses might indeed have some validity.
It can become the default to blame the client, the situation, or the organisation for our stress and strong reactions. In fact, research would indicate this is often our psychological default: to externalise the cause of our uncomfortable internal feelings.
I again emphasise; some of these external factors may have some validity. The situation may well be imperfect and the client may be objectively rude.
But what about us? What do we bring to these triggering situations?
Different schools of psychological theory vary in many respects, but most do agree on one fundamental principle: it is not necessarily the ‘situation’ (stimulus) which is ‘distressing’ (response), but instead, our perceptions, beliefs, and assumptions about the meaning of the situation. ‘Meaning’ mediates the relationship between stimulus and response. And the meanings we attribute to situations are often heavily shaped by our previous experiences.
Allow me to bring this to light; Joe was criticized heavily by his parents and teachers at school and told he would not amount to anything, which led Joe to develop a set of underlying assumptions that he was good enough.
Fast forward 20 years, Joe (now a Partner at a large firm) is criticized by a client. The unconscious meaning Joe makes is that he is fundamentally not good enough, despite his objective success. The current situation activates his underlying assumptions. And that feels triggering, difficult and confusing for Joe.
The facts are irrefutable; our childhood and adolescent experiences shape us considerably. The blueprint for the meanings we hold of ourselves, other people and the world around us are highly engrained from a young age.
And so it follows that our reactions to situations today are born out of these blueprints, in fact so much more than we might care to imagine.
As we progress into our adult lives, our personas develop (that is, how we like to see ourselves; the image we project to the world), yet simmering away underneath exists a wealth of assumptions about ourselves, other people, the environment and situations.
We carry these automatic meanings with us in every day-to-day interaction, encounter, meeting, and presentation. But often, unconsciously.
And so, because Noor was brought up in a family that valued humbleness and modesty, she finds it so triggering encountering somebody who she perceives as arrogant and self-aggrandising.
Because Noor never really felt as though she fitted in at school, she enters a boardroom and becomes hypervigilant of how others are perceiving her.
The cost of these unconscious triggers and associated meanings might at best cause Noor to avoid certain individuals or ruminate and vent about the client, or at worst lead to the development of severe insecurities and/or mental health difficulties.
How do we become more self-aware, to enable us to recognise what we bring to triggering situations in the workplace?
- In my opinion, there is no replacement for high-quality psychological therapy or psychologically grounded executive coaching. Many self-help books and podcasts are available, but having an experienced and trained professional hold up a metaphorical mirror to us is invaluable.
- Start a ‘trigger journal’: what situations triggered me today? Who was there? What was said in that interaction? What did I hear? And, perhaps most importantly, what automatic meaning did I feel compelled to make in that situation?
- Spend time with yourself: the practice of solitude can be invaluable. Switch of electronics and notifications. Meditate. Daydream. Be still. Some interesting insights and reflections often surface in those moments.
In the words of the psychiatrist Carl Jung; “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate”.
Dr. Robert Chandler, Clinical Psychologist Corporate and Workplace Services Lead, The Lighthouse Arabia.
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